Category Archives: law school lemmings

Dear Law School Lemming

Dear Law School Lemming,

You’re probably here because I summoned you from the Twitterverse. Your Twitter posts are featured in the hilarious yet sad website Law School Lemmings. You should know that there are forums, listservs and group discussion boards – both public and private – that are making fun of your posts and calling you naive, arrogant and stupid.

I am a forgotten attorney. Forgotten by prestigious, $160,000 per year law firms because my average rank in law school (which 80% of law students receive) was not good enough for them. Forgotten by my alma mater because I will not become someone famous and later donate money in order to fund another Brian Leiter Professorial Chair of Useless Studies. Forgotten by my family because I will not be able to support them when they get older and will rely exclusively on Social Security and assisted housing. And forgotten by the dreamer in me who strived to be successful but will now have to “manage expectations” and stop acting “entitled”.

Your posts remind me of myself when I was young and idealistic. Twitter wasn’t around when I was your age so I was talking shit to my friends at the local bar or posted my dreams on MySpace (or was it Friendster? I don’t remember).

Whether you admit it or not, you’re going to law school because of the money you think lawyers make. But if you have a Twitter account, you must know how to use google. Use it to see just how bad most law school graduates have to struggle just to make their student loan payments – even if they have a job with a large law firm. Others are making at only $50,000 to $60,000 with most of their income going to their student loan payments for the rest of their young lives.

Some of you want to be like Elle Woods. REALLY? You’re modeling your life after a FICTIONAL CHARACTER? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Excuse me while I laugh until I throw up a kidney. But seriously, if you remember Legally Blonde, Elle went to Harvard Law School, had a 4.0 GPA and a 178 LSAT score. Do you have similar credentials? If you do, by all means, go with our blessings and have a Glitterific time. But if you’re going to base your future on what you see in movies, watch Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird and see how Atticus Finch lives.

You claim you want to help people. To most of you, please shut the fuck up. Stop parroting what your pre-law counselor told you to write on your law school essay. We know you’re full of shit. Even if you want to help people or “pursue justice”, can’t you do it by being a nurse, social worker or a priest? What if I told you each of those professions I mentioned make almost as much as an attorney but without the stress and needless arrogant posturing?  

Oh that’s right – you know someone who’s a successful lawyer. She’s rolling in her Hermes purse and driving a Benz. She said that once you get your Just Dollaz degree, she will hook you up. Perhaps. But before you follow your friend’s example, you should look closely at her finances. Is she getting her money from another source? I can tell you that a lot of start up practitioners have side jobs to make ends meet. Others are living off spouses or parents. Also, do you think she is going to help you with your career? She is not going to spend her billable time training you and referring clients because it means less money for her car lease payments. If you graduate with no job and call your friend for a hookup, you can bet she will avoid you like a leper with Ebola.

Or you think you can “marry up” with your law degree and have your rich spouse pay your loans. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good luck with that. Most of you have nothing to offer other than your high student loan debt. Most of the rich people I know can smell your toxic student loan cologne from a mile away. And God forbid if he were to abuse you physically and give you the spousal pimp slap – you can’t ditch him while he is paying your bills. And like your lawyer friend, they may have baggage as well.

Or you have no other alternatives with your life. Your communications degree from Toilet State University scored you a shit job waiting tables, pushing paper or driving to audition after audition and you feel stuck. You hate your greedy, egotistical boss who yells at you, shafts you come raise time and gives you shitty hours. This is not too dissimilar from the practice of law – especially if you work for a cheapskate solo practitioner who is dishonest with you and his clients. Talk to a few lawyers or try working for one and you’ll see what I mean. Unlike waiting tables, lawyers don’t get tips for getting a good outcome.

So Mr./Ms. Twitterthang, you think you’re the shit. We are not making fun of you – we are trying to warn you. But you’re going to ignore us. You’re “ambitious”, you’re special, you’re going to beat the odds because you have the right “attitude”. Fine, ignore us at your own risk – I don’t give a shit. I don’t have an axe to grind with you – only the fuckfaces who are charging enormous amounts of tuition in exchange for shitty job prospects. But know this – if you fuck up, you are on your own.