Not too long ago, a few friends and I discussed the sad state of affairs known as “legal education”. Since we feel nothing but utmost contempt for most of the JD Class of 2016, we wanted to find a way to get a piece of the federal student loan money pie for ourselves. So why not start a law school? We get our money up front and in full with no questions asked. And with the exception of a few states, we can make up any “employment figures” we want and get away with it.
Now we couldn’t just start a garden variety toileteer law school (see e.g. the epic fail known as the Indiana Tech School of Law’s inaugural class). Now that the lemmings are wising up and demanding huge tuition discounts, it is not enough to hire a few “professors” and lease a building in order to start a law school. But on the other hand, we can’t look cheap by charging minimal tuition and operating out of a doc review basement.
So our business plan comes down to this: the $100,000/per year law school.
That’s right. Tuition will be $100,000 per year. At the current rate of tuition increases, it will only be 15 years before Yale Law School starts charging $100,000 per year to attend. And soon after, so will the others. So why not get it over with?
Now if we are going to have the chutzpah to charge this grandiose and newsworthy sum, we have to at least pretend to provide some kind of value to our customers. So let’s guarantee what 99% of pre-law students want – a Biglaw job after graduation.
In order to pull this off, we have to convince a number of Biglaw and strong regional firms to take an equity stake on the school. The firm(s) that partner with us will receive a substantial cut of the school’s net profit. In exchange, these firms must agree to hire our students as externs and our graduates as associates and pay them market rates for just long enough to pay off their student loans within a reasonable time. Afterwards, they can keep them or toss them out to the street.
Keep in mind that Biglaw firms are free to work their asses to death while they are employed and bill their clients appropriately to recoup their associate salaries. And since the graduates will be underwater (literally drowning) in student loan debt, most of them will not talk back or start stupid shit. And they can get free labor during their law student years
for free in exchange for externship credit.
We are not going to choose our students based on arbitrary, unfair and racist criteria such as GPAs and LSAT scores. We will be more holistic in our application process. We will look at an individual’s family circumstances (Does your father run a Fortune 500 company?), her social connections (Does your best friend work as a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company? Do you have a membership at a premier country club?), and her personal accomplishments to date (do you have a net worth of more than $5 million?). We’ll bring in the occasional 176+ LSAT gunner if they can pay our sticker price. But if they demand “scholarships” because they think they’re special, their cheap and entitled asses can go to more idealistic schools like Harvard.
Now our market research and consultants tell us that we can enroll about 100 students if we can come through on our “Biglaw after graduation” guarantee. Which means $10,000,000 in revenue on our first year alone! And once word gets out that every graduate has secured Biglaw,
lemmings pre-law students all over the world will beg us to admit them and our enrollment numbers can easily double!
What about expenses? Minimal. Since Biglaw firms are serious investors in our project, they will be more than happy to provide partners to act as “professors” for little or no pay. It’s a win-win for everyone. The partners get CLE credit for teaching the courses and students get to learn under the “people” they aspire to be. And we are not going to waste money hiring hacks to teach “Law and Minority Female Disabilities” and setting up unprofitable do-gooder programs like pro-bono clinics.
While the details need to be worked out with individual firms, we believe if this is done correctly, the firms that partner up with us can get alternative tuition income to supplement their fledgling businesses and get free law student labor.
Now to ensure that the uppity and ungrateful will not sue us, we will make sure that each student signs a disclaimer at least three pages long before matriculation and any student not up to task will be dismissed before graduation thus nullifying the Biglaw guarantee.
Now many of you are thinking I’m being salacious or even satirical with this post. But there is a real possibility that this business plan might work and make millions. I just need the contact information for Infilaw’s executive board so I can pitch my project and get initial seed money.